WHAT TWO DAYS HAVE TAUGHT ME

So there are two things I have learned during my first two days here in India. 

1. Doubt is the opposite of love 

    Which makes sense. Because love is faith. 

2. Love and creation were once one and separated to feel each other

  The only thing I need to understand about this is: worshipping this divine couple is the key to everything. 

Where to even begin about everything else. I almost didn't go. Maybe we should begin there. There were such overwhelming amounts of anxiety and doubt on the way here that I almost didn't board the plane to Delhi on the layover in Vienna. And part of myself woke up screaming and kicking last night, hurting from me having resisted the urge. When really the scared self is the one resisting. I didn't expect this much turmoil. The ego tearing at the conviction and begging to stay. Begging for the safety of comfort. 

The wiser part of my self though is embracing wholeheartedly. I am so deeply touched by this place and its people - I am constantly in tears. Despite everything, it felt so self-evident to arrive. To take the taxi. To be sitting in this room. How to even put in words what can only be felt? Perhaps a hint for now: I feel at home every time I re-enter the gates of this Ashram. And Gurudev moves exactly as my grandfather does. 

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