SELF-LOVE

How to weather the storm of modernity? To me, the answer is radical self-love. And I am pretty sure, this is a misunderstood concept. Self-love to me goes beyond the clichés of wellness-days and body positivity (though they definitely are symptoms of acceptance, don’t get me wrong). But following the path of (self-)indulgence will quickly leave you even more isolated than before. To me, self-love means becoming conscious of the ways we keep self-sabotaging our selves to confirm the (usually limiting) views we have of ourselves or of experiences we encounter. Self-love means being honest. With oneself and others. and this is an oftentimes painful process.

Leading me to the core misconception of self-love: its inherently pleasant connotation. Yes, the overarching concept is a positive one, but that doesn’t mean it is not hard work. And as anyone would agree: hard work can be unpleasant. This became apparent to me again the other day, when I caught up with a friend over tea. From what he was telling me, I noticed that self-love sometimes has to mean hurting. Sometimes it means letting go of people. of jobs. of things. Letting go of people, jobs and things we used to love, and perhaps still love, but that, if we are truly honest, in the quietest moments with our selves, we know we cling to out of fear. 

This fear, of what loss may feel like, of the uncertainty of the in-between which inevitably follows every end, and the ever-lurking fear of rejection, are what keep us safely trapped in a place we aren’t completely happy in. Mostly it all has to do with the idea of not arriving at another good place for ourselves. And this is exactly the line we need to walk up to and then whole-heartedly should cross. Why? Because on the other side of this line is, if you allow it: acceptance for who you are without the labels and the stories you add onto your personality to keep busy.  

And this doesn’t mean quitting your job and travelling the world like seemingly every single advice turns out to be today. This line of honesty is present in more situations in your daily life than you may think. It all starts with becoming aware of how you usually shy away from it. and then bit by bit trying the radical thing of not listening to the voice that says: ‘we don’t like this’. Because the truth is you do. In fact, you would love it.

By slowly observing every time again the emotions are stirred and resistance arises, we gain the most valuable skill: self-awareness. Emotional Intelligence, if you want to be all fancy and scientific about it. Being in touch with your emotions and understanding them for what they are: patterns of psychological reactions formed over time in response to certain events in our lives. Understanding (and eventually feeling) that there is a distance between the self that we are in any given moment and the root of the emotion we experience at that moment will allow us to distance ourselves from its (unpleasant) impact. This understanding will enable us to allow any event with any emotional reaction to occur and can relieve us of fear or restriction.

And exactly this skill of allowing is the greatest weapon against the insecurity and apathy of modern love. Because once we get to honestly see, know and accept ourselves, we can begin to define where the boundaries of our own self lie and where another should begin. We can begin to protect and love our edges and then still have enough love to give to those of another. It’s what lays the foundations of healthy and fulfilling relationships, helps us get a grip on our mental health and in the end lead a happier life.

Every time we consciously choose to let go, by allowing the (possibility of the) sensation of loss, we actually gain a piece of the most valuable virtues: trust in our resilience.

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