ONE MORE THING ABOUT DOUBT

Today I asked Gurudev Sadhu Maharaj how to return to love after having been in doubt. and his answer was something like this: 

"Doubt is the nature of the mind. Doubt means you want to know more about something. And when you start to inquire and learn more, you actually start to see that behind the doubt, there was love the whole time." 

This is exactly what my resistance the first night was about I think. Of course, it was scary to come here and realize that what I have taught myself to believe in over the past years has a form all of the sudden. And not only that but in the eyes of where I am from it is a very, very foreign religion. Vaishnava Hinduism. But the more I learn, all I can do is find myself agreeing. Embracing. 

Over the course of yesterday, I sat on the floor for at least four to five hours. not in constant meditation but dwelling. not needing. not wanting. not seeking. just listening. feeling and observing. connecting again and again with the maha-mantra that is being sung by three widows in the temple all day. noticing my moods changing. my triggers changing. observing the opening. because ever so slowly I am opening. slowly I can feel the desire arising to sing along. and when I did during the evening arati, something touched my leg. When I looked down to see what it was it was five little kids hugging, unwilling to let go of each other. four Indians and one little Austrian boy. with smiles in their eyes and laughter in their hearts. 

And then I see: this is all the proof I need to melt any doubt. the way this one little Indian girl keeps smiling at me like I am her sister. the way love just resides in every dust particle of this place. the vibration is so strong that sometimes all I can do is sit and breathe. and that is enough already. you wouldn't believe how easily love comes if you just surrender. 

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