I have long passed the point at which it was still possible to put any of what is happening into words. So whatever I am writing from here on out, it is to be understood as a weak approach to documenting my process of surrendering.
You would think surrendering is an easy process. you give up. and fall. you would think it would be as easy as just letting oneself fall. or, I thought so at least. but with these things, I always forget that falling never feels like falling. It feels like clinging and releasing. only to grasp onto the next branch on the way down. so all there is to do is to let go again. and again. and again. and with our little minds we hope to someday arrive somewhere we do not need to let go anymore. fair enough, I thought for a while. I'll just have to let go countless times within a day and within a lifespan. But how does one let go of the bigger things? How does one let go of the pain of existing? How does one surrender onto something that most people will not believe in upon returning home? How does one burn through all previously taught convictions coming up to taunt, to destroy the only real peace I have ever known?
Of course, it turns out to be the same thing. you surrender by riding each wave of pain crashing onto the shore. I am here to sit with all the sadness that is coming up. all panic. all pain. all discomfort. I could feel it coming a few days back when the first drops of rain hit. and I have another feeling now that this is just the first shower preceding the hurricane. but my faith in You and in the arrival on the other side of doubt is growing with every minute. I am not scared of any of the things to come. I am so deeply at peace at the core of all of this, that sometimes talking feels like a violation. The part of me that is crying and begging to stay is the part I am no longer willing to give more space than the speck it was intended to have at creation. The darkness has served its purpose. The isolation, the disconnection. The denial and the anger. They have had their time. but this is where it ends. and if they want to come up and cry about it, make a scene and a fool of themselves they're welcome to do so. I am not leaving this place until my mind is fixed on You. no matter what else is happening around me. whether I will miss my own graduation or not. none of it matters. You alone matter. this is the only thing I know for sure. You matter. and knowingly or not You were and are the only real thing in my life.
Absolutely nothing happens by accident. just like fish in water, we are engulfed by the universe. just like water in fish, the universe is in us. is us. and just like fish following the currents, we need to follow the currents of the divine energy. of love.