ON FIXING YOURSELF

I started this day in doubt. back again in turmoil. I almost felt like a tourist going to the ISKCON temple with Gopal this morning. And even though their melody of the morning arati was amongst the most beautiful things I have ever heard, I found myself wondering what on earth I was doing in the middle of all these religious, devoted beings. I am not a Hindu? I was not raised to follow religious traditions? In fact, in ninth grade, I wrote a piece for my German class about how I don’t believe in God and how grateful I am to be living in times where I don’t have to. It got published in the newspaper.

For the longest time, I thought I was on the right side of the truth by not believing. I thought I was on the right side of absolutely everything following an atheist conviction and material nihilism. Indulging in the senses. And yes. Of course, I can still taste the appeal of these things. But they offer only short-lived refuge. So when the sensual house of cards violently collapsed around me when I was seventeen, I started begging for purpose. Begging for something greater, some real truth.

Slowly, slowly I began finding my way. But never would I allow myself to label the things I was finding ‘divine’. I thought I had tricked the system. Tricked both religion and nihilism by following ‘signs of the universe put in place by some physical chain of reactions - all perfectly explainable rationally’. Yet earlier this year I realized this was also still a half-truth and my soul again started begging for more connection. For true connection. And somehow during conversations in Dublin, I began letting my self say: I am religious. What religion? My own of course. I was convinced I had somehow figured it all out by just allowing this feeling of there being something greater.

But just like sensual satisfaction, this half-truth still wasn’t enough. A start maybe. The beginning of the unfolding. Which brings us to my decision of finally coming to India. Somehow, through surely none other than divine intervention I found my way here. Vrindavan. Without me knowing I have found my way to one of the holiest places in India. And even though my mind is, of course, struggling to accept what is happening, I can feel it with every fibre of my body: this finally is the beginning of the true path. So during the course of this tumultuous day, I kept telling myself: surrender. surrender surrender surrender. And I truly cannot tell you the taste of ecstasy I am receiving in return. In tiny pieces of course, since this is only the beginning, and yet the relief is more real than anything I have ever known in my life.

To fix yourself you have to fix yourself on something, I am being taught these days. And when fixing yourself on something you better make sure it will last. Like the infinite.

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