INDIA

so I admit. I am being triggered by decisions I have to make and I am handling it in a more aggressive way than perhaps I should. or this could also just be me being assertive with what I do want. really, I am just making sure I stay on the path I have now chosen. and there is nothing wrong with that. my irritation just goes to show how much I am rejecting any other option. yes from one perspective this may seem immature, but I am honestly not equipped and frankly unwilling to fight through this. I am unwilling to put up with any more emotional restriction. I have already wasted enough time.

I have wasted enough time trying to please visions and versions of reality that aren’t mine. Visions and versions of a self that make me sick to my stomach and leave me yearning for air. So floating somewhere on the Mediterranean this summer I finally found the courage to read the signs. I am going to India in nine days. It’s what I’ve wanted all along and what I’ve kept telling myself to wait doing. Until when should one wait? Does it truly matter? 

So, of course, there is the question of why it has to be India. Is it the romance? The spice in the story? The cliché? Does it matter if my inspiration is a cliché? I don't think it matters. None of this questioning matters, because every time I try and ask myself what I hope to find, I already know: I am not looking for anything. 

It's not about India. It is about what it’s going to teach me. What seeking and possibly not finding, returning, all of these things will teach me and they already are enough of an answer.

The very answer lies in the root of the attraction: going is not about thinking. It's about Being.

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